“I wish to sing like the birds sing, not worrying about who hears or what they think – Rumi”
Insecurity … Happens … Nonstop …
It’s a battle to be fought daily. Fear and insecurity will never go away. We all face it, all the time. We can either learn to overcome it or ignore it and hope it goes away on its own.
My insecurity started hitting me at every possible angle, and this morning, I spent three hours stuck in a pit of insecurity.
I was looking at what I’ve done so far, and felt horrible that it’s not at the quality I strive for. I was looking at all the things I want to accomplish and became frustrated that I haven’t started going after some of them.
I was looking at people who are producing more work than me and felt irritated that I haven’t gotten myself to produce in that quantity yet.
As I continued to fall victim to my self-deprecating thoughts, my insecurity fed on the negative words until it felt strong enough to take over.
I had to face my deep insecurities and it felt like fighting a dragon fiercer than The Ice King’s blue-eyed Drogon. He slowly defeated me for three hours, toying with me until going for the kill. My negative thoughts clouded my cognitive ability right before battle, and my mental state was so poor that I froze in fear when it was time to make a move.
As I lay there in too much pain to move, I could only think of everything negative that lead me to defeat. Everything I wanted to be different in myself was like a recurring nightmare incessantly replaying in my mind.
The observer in me couldn’t help but chime in and let me know that three hours had passed. Three hours is a long damn time to do nothing but doubt myself.
In those three hours, I could have been three hours closer to where I want to be. In the right state, I could have done SO MUCH with those three hours.
The most terrifying part of this wake-up call was the realization that the past three hours was the first time I NOTICED and paid attention to the defeat from my insecurity. It was the first time I put awareness on the incessant insecure thoughts playing in my mind.
The dragon hides in all of us, and it will never show its true colors unless we actively seek it out.
Until then, the dragon will show up as a tough boss, a dickhead friend, avoidance, addiction, self-loathing, excessive spending, excessive partying, excessive eating, excessive non-eating, depression, anger, and WORST of all is when it shows up as a rationalization to NOT do all the things we dream of.
Our insecurities to show themselves in the best way that they can to be seen and felt. The tough people we come across are simply a mirror of the energy we put out mentally, physically, and emotionally.
Insecurity is cunning. We all need to be aware of it. We must stay aware of everything it does to manipulate us, or the dragon will keep slowly finding ways to destroy our quality of life until we step up and choose to take it down.
When I was laying there in my personal defeat, all I could think to do was retrace my steps and figure out how I led myself there. I thought MAYBE after understanding what led me there, I could find a strategy to beat my enemy because it sure as hell grew too strong for my strength alone to defeat it.
SOOOOOOO, WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?
Looking at the situation objectively, we can come to an obvious conclusion that I was stuck in a negative state. I had a pep of motivation after realizing that doubting myself was a HUGE waste of time, but I also realized that bad moods are inevitable. Insecurity and fear are inevitable. And my insecurity grew too strong for me to ignore it any longer.
How can I NOT waste three whole hours next time?
Positivity in itself can’t overcome how strong a mind becomes after years of letting it control every decision.
Do you think it would work if an inexperienced high school football player decided to play in the NFL, trusting positivity to get him through? It will sure as hell help him not cower in fear, but positivity alone will not make the young football player keep up with the pros. Growth takes time. Developing the ability to play in the big leagues requires a high level of diligent effort and a commitment to practice. I can’t get defeated and give up because I’m not automatically keeping up with the pros.
Instead of chanting positive affirmations at myself, I decided must develop the necessary mental tools needed to swiftly overcome these emotional obstacles.
I must pay constant attention to my thoughts, take action to change any negative state, and keep changing my method until I find a tactic to defeat the thought right away.
Most importantly, I need to be patient with myself so I don’t ignore the growing dragon again.
This defeat brought me to understand that playing the victim, even if only for a few hours, would do nothing but get me further from where I want to be. It would do nothing but feed my dragon, and weaken my strength before the next battle.
Victims don’t slay the dragon. Victims hide from the dragon and pretend it doesn’t exist.
Heroes slay the dragon. Heroes step up and take the horrible boss’s job, and then they do it better. Heroes notice a negative, self-deprecating thought and take action to defeat it before it leads them to an exhausting battle.
There comes a point in everyone’s life, in which we are forced to either choose to play the incapable victim and deal with constant defeat or choose to take responsibility and become the hero of our own lives.
Every one of us will face this obstacle, and it’s up to us to choose which path to take.