Living through the unknown is a whirlwind. I guess that’s why so many of us appreciate the security of a corporate job. Security is our motivation to show up every day regardless of how miserable it makes us.
Right now, I need to believe that no matter how far I am from where I aim to be, I will get there. I need to have relentless faith that it’s happening for me; that everything around me is conspiring to give me the life of my dreams.
What I’m currently doing as my main source of cash flow cannot be it. I do want to get better at bartending. I’m enjoying it for now, and I’m interested in learning way more about it, but I know I can’t do this forever. I don’t think it’s my personal ‘be all end all’.
What is it? What will it be?
Sometimes I get a lump in my throat because I want to start. I want to know what it is so I can hustle toward it.
Patience. Trust. Faith.
Every single thing in my life conspired to lead me to the best relationship I’ve ever experienced. It’s better than I could have imagined. My personal relationships are rapidly shifting for the better. Now I need a vision/idea of the career of my dreams so I can start chasing it.
Instead of repeatedly saying, ‘I don’t know what’s next’ I’m attempting to ask the right questions so that my mind has an opportunity to provide the answers I need.
- What work will fulfill me?
- What kind of daily life do I want to live?
- What work will give me the creativity and flexibility to live the way I want to live?
- What vocation can include bettering myself and the world around me?
- What do I love to do so much, that I absolutely lose track of time doing it?
- What steps can I make right now to lead me closer to any of it?
Those are the kind of questions I need to ask. I need to be more careful in the words I speak to myself.
I need to believe that life will show me the way, or that my heart will help me cut down the damn path to get there. I followed my heart, when it made no sense at all, and it led me to a relationship I’ve always wanted. It knows what it’s doing.
I mean, damn. I made a decision to NOT move to St. John when I had already prepared my whole life for it. I wrote about going. I quit my job because I was passionately going for the move. I knew I would be hurting a friend by not going. I knew that not going would force me to face a confrontation with my friend, when I was avoiding it for months. I knew I would be ridiculed for not going. But regardless of the rationalities, I trusted my gut…
It became too apparent that my heart didn’t feel that passion for it anymore. My heart realized that it was the lifestyle that I craved, and after I quit my job, I saw that I could have that lifestyle here. I was living it, and loving it. I felt anxiety around moving, in a negative way, not a nervous way.
My heart was telling me not to go. It was falling in love with the life I was living right here, and it wanted me to see that out. My ego didn’t. My ego felt shame. My ego felt like I should go because I said I was. It was a battle for a bit. I couldn’t make sense of what was pride, fear or truth. Nothing looked how I expected, and my failure to live up to my expectations created so much anxiety.
I resorted to advice from many great minds I admire, who suggest to not get too attached to how your goal ultimately looks. Advising us all to understand the deeper meaning behind our goals, so that when life shifts our path for the better (even if it doesn’t LOOK like it’s for the better right away) we are open-minded enough to accept and embrace it. The decision to not move was my first conscious lesson of this. It was my first lesson in not getting too attached to how the outcome of my goal looks.
I decided to stay and wound up getting recommended for a great bartending job in Hoboken when I had only been bartending for a few months. Pretty crazy… and pretty lucky.
Then, hurricane Irma happened in St. John 2 days before I was supposed to leave. My flight was canceled. I wouldn’t have been able to get a job. I would have been able to help rebuild down there, but unfortunately, the whole ‘needing money to live’ thing would have forced me to come home anyway.
Life is INSANE.
I can’t imagine how much more difficult my life would have been if I refused my heart and followed my ego.
As I sit here and reminisce on all the ways life rewarded me for listening to my heart, I’m reminded to keep my ears open for what my heart says to do next.
My answer for a vocation will come. I need to stay patient and trust that answers will come when the time is right. I need to keep teaching myself more about the things I love to do for free and then consistently practice them regularly.
It’s tough to trust when there’s no end in sight, but that’s what faith is.
Life is such an incredible work in progress. We are all a work in progress. I sit back and wonder why I put so much pressure on myself to have every answer right now. I need to be okay with the fact that sometimes I don’t understand why an event is happening to/for me. Sometimes I don’t know what’s next.
Sometimes, all I can do is wake up, enjoy, and give my best.
A shot from Pebble Beach, St. John along the Rams Head Hike. Reminding me to send love to all struggling through the storm.
**** My heart goes out to all suffering through the hurricanes that were/are barreling through Texas, Florida and the Caribbean.*****